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Well, I think here would be an appropriate place to end my description of our vacation. Perhaps you would have wanted to hear
me talk about Yellowstone. I apologize for leaving that out, but all Yellowstone is, is a bunch of hot sulphur pools and since
I have no more disk space on my web site due to the fact that I’m too cheap to upgrade the subscription for my web server
I thus have no more photos to show you. Yea, we saw Old Faithful and it was great and well, oh, here, I’ll give you
a link over to youtube that I think you’ll like. It’s a shot of Old Faithful with The Blue Danube playing in the
background. Click Here For That; you'll love it.
Now, if you just linked over from part 6 of this series of articles, let me apologize. You see there was a little bit of lag
time between finishing part 6 and picking it up here in part 7. What I did as you see in the first paragraph is that I wrote
another series of articles on the vacation my family and I took out west. Okay so from your perspective I was just talking
about that "I am the messiah" spiritual experience I had at camp K, right? Fast forward about twelve years when I am a student
at the Unification Theological Seminary and that's where we are now. And you guys who were reading the other article, if you
haven't yet done so, and when you have the time, I suggest you go and get up to speed on what I'm saying. But to be really
honest this is the meat of what I went through so you're okay right where you are. Now, everybody's cool and we're not confusing
anybody? Good, so let's continue.
And that’s really all that I have to say about our vacation out west. In my opinion the only thing worth seeing was
Devil’s Garden at Arches National Park and that brings us back to my topic of Spiritual Path which I left off at part
6 and which I am continuing here as the seventh installment.
After all, writing Tamara’s Journey was and still is a very important part of my spiritual path but this all began when
I was writing that research paper I told you about and which is listed here on this web site called “The Integration
Of Male & Female Aspects
Within Men & Women”. I hope you had a chance to read it. I didn’t write it like I write these articles. You see,
when you’re writing a paper for your master’s degree it has to be written as an intellectual argument. I don’t
enjoy writing like that. Although by writing that paper it allowed me to explore what had already been written on the topic
of male and female integration I would rather be a story teller.
In Tamara’s Journey I could use the medium of story-telling to express ideas that would otherwise be much too boring
to read in a self-help book. I thought about writing a self help book before writing TJ but there’s so many out there.
However, there’s not so many novels out there that the author uses to bring to the readers attention about deep spiritual
and metaphysical ideas that are very important. Fictional writing allowed me to do that and in addition it proved to be a
lot more fun to write than a self help book. Sometimes I found myself getting lost in the story, engrossed within the plot
and the characters themselves as the story came alive right before my eyes. Writing TJ was pure joy. And to be quite honest
with you, reading the book since it came out is really cool too. I love to read the book and act out the scenes as I do.
So, where did my spiritual path begin. To be completely honest with you, it began with pain. And the most painful thing for
me was not being able to express my truth. Remember that scene on the very first page of “Tamara’s Journey: The
Purging Of A Tyrant” where the little girl comes up to Michiko on the last day of her life and complains to her about
a boy who is not treating her fairly. Michiko by this time is 180 years old, an old sage. But rather than solve her problem
for her she reminds the little girl to speak her truth. So, with a moment of meditation the little girl centers her thoughts
and harmlessly approaches the boy again as she rectifies the situation in peace. But unlike this courageous little girl of
seven years old I could not express my truth. I did not know who I was and there was so much with which my ego had done in
response to a traumatic childhood experience that I had to protect me that was, in effect, keeping me from opening my heart
and having that self knowledge. So, as a result, there were all of these “layers of armor” around me, this neurosis
I had created, which of course was protecting me but also preventing me having the social skills necessary to live among other
people and have normal relationships.
But I need to qualify this a little because it’s not like I was a completely introverted person. I’ll admit, for
as long as I can remember, I’ve loved my privacy but I was never a loner. You see, I have a very clever ego. My ego
didn’t expedite the obvious response to this childhood trauma that I experienced. The obvious way would be to protect
me by shutting me down socially so that I would be a complete loner and not get hurt. My ego didn’t do this. Instead
it created a series of layers not unlike an onion, a multi-layered, very redundant security system so that I could be protected
while at the same time allowing me to be socially active. The reason for this is so that my ego could be kept alive. Besides,
why would my ego want to shut me down socially? With no human interaction it would have no opportunity to grow. The ego grows
through the attention that the conscious mind gets, right? It needs lots of attention and so my ego made sure that I would
be protected but in the event that I got involved with people it would make sure that it got fed through the false sense of
value it created for me.
I’m trying to be as honest as I can about what was going on within my psyche and the type of defense I had created for
myself so that I could survive in the world. It’s important for me to paint as clear a picture for you about what was
going on inside of my head because when I turned 34 years old this system of invulnerability was going to be dealt a decisive
blow that would change my life forever.
And it was just my luck that my wife had run into a guy named Tom Pearson. He’s a Unification Church member too. Hey,
by the way, if any of you know Tom and have seen him recently would you let me know? He has a wife named Etsuko. They used
to live in upstate New York but I don’t think they do anymore. I lost touch with him and would very much like to talk
to him again.
Well, to continue with what I was saying. Tom was just the guy I needed to see. While I was at the Unification Theological
Seminary (an experience I will soon share with you) somehow Mr. Pearson came into our lives. I can’t remember just how
it happened but our paths crossed and am I glad that they did.
Tom is a naturopathic physician who graduated from the National College Of Naturopathic Medicine
in Portland Oregon. Yes, go and check em’ out there with the link. I’m confident this is a good school because
one of their graduates fixed me up really good. In addition to Dr. Pearson’s credentials, he has studied and practices
homeopathy, cranial-sacral manipulation, spinal manipulation, herbal medicine, acupuncture, nutrition, hydrotherapy, process
oriented psychology and various forms of kinesiology.
That last term is particularly important. Kinesiology, the study of movement. But what Dr. Pearson practices is Clinical Kinesiology.
That has to do with using the testing of muscles to communicate with the biocomputer of the human body.
Biocomputer? Jeez, sounds like what the starship Voyager used to power their ship with the use of those gel packs in one of
the later Star Trek series that’s in syndication now. No, that’s science
fiction, my friends. What I’m talking about is real. Your own body, the one you’re occupying right now is one
of the most advanced technologies out there. So just by virtue of your physical body, you are something really special. You’ve
confounded scientists in every field. They can’t explain why you dream or what happens when you pray and see Jesus before
you. They justify their ignorance and say it has to do with the neural activity in your brain or some nonsense like that.
But you know better, don’t you?
Well, at least I hope you do.
But yes, you have a biocomputer running inside of you. You never thought you had it in you, a computer for god’s sakes.
You probably thought computers were made by the likes of Dell, Apple and Sony, right? But even as we speak they’re working
on trying to emulate the wonders of the human brain so that they can use that technology in the next generation of really
cool computers twenty years from now. Wouldn’t you want to be around when that happens? Hopefully you won’t have
to. More on that later. I know, I’m such a tease.
Now, just a little more about Clinical Kinesiology. (ck) We all experience trauma in our lives. We live in an imperfect world
so in one way or another we all get slighted somehow. So when this happens the information about that event gets fragmented
and stored throughout our body within the physical, mental and spiritual subtle bodies or layers of our aura. What ck does
is pull all of these fragments together in the reverse order of their placement. The way this is done is the practitioner
communicates with our core essence via the biocomputer. The biocomputer works exactly the way your home computer works through
a binary system. Binary means two. And it’s either in one mode or the other, on or off, 0 or 1 and relative to our discussion
here: strong or weak neuromuscular response.
Now, there’s a process that the practitioner uses to turn on your biocomputer but I can’t remember just how Dr.
Pearson did that. However, when my biocomputer was turned on then he went through this process of “drilling down”
to get to my core issues. Here is a quote from my session.
This is how your life works. Through the power of your reactivity or the power of your process, you go back into these
stuck places. Time isn’t necessarily going to bring you out of it. So, it’s basically the same pattern except
we’ve added one. It’s a completely inner process. You have fallen into a deeper hole. That’s not bad news;
that means that we’re excavating even deeper.
This blows my mind. I turned on your biocomputer, my friend. I just acknowledged everything we’re seeing, thrown on
your biocomputer. There’s a very conscious dance that’s going on between your essence and my essence in this process.
The fact is this is just simply…we got a handle on the external process and now we’re going to be led to the core
of this process, this tentacle of this octopus….
An aspect of that “octopus” that Dr. Pearson so articulately put it was my obsession to not explore my feelings.
My feelings were shut down due to what I told you above. It’s not that I was unfeeling or insensitive but I lacked the
ability to express how I felt My Truth. If someone said something unkind to me or slighted me in some way I never knew
what to say. I couldn’t advocate for myself. Well, I would eventually but only after an hour when that person was already
gone. Then the thought would pop into my head. “Oh yea, that’s what I should have said to that guy.”
I had several sessions with Dr. Pearson and he helped me uncover a lot of stuff that had been stuffed down inside of me (technical
term). But not only did he help me bring this to the surface so that I could be aware of it, there was some technique he used
where this error in my programming could be altered. Programming is a term that has to do with deeply entrenched behavioral
patterns in your life and what Dr. Pearson did was to help identify what programming there is that is the cause behind the
problems I am having.
The first time I saw him I told him I was feeling stuck, unable to move forward in my life. My wife and I were constantly
getting into arguments because of my reluctance to change. It got so bad that when my wife met him she saw an opportunity
to resolve this. And so just to avoid boring you all of the details about what happened during these sessions, we got into
some core issues that were contributing this psychological malady that I was going through. I felt stuck because I was not
allowing myself to explore my feelings. My wife was getting frustrated at me because I would tell her what she wanted to hear
instead of facing the problem. That was keeping my ego safe and intact because at some point in my life it had been badly
injured. But what needed to happen was to allow the cognizance of my feelings to work in a more unobstructed way so that
those feelings could come up and be dealt with and processed. And having that freed up within me allowed myself to journey
within my inner self so that I could explore Who I Am on a personal spiritual level.
I had to summarize that in as brief a way as I could here but I do plan to post the entire transcript of most of my sessions
with Dr. Pearson. It’s quite fascinating.
Those sessions with him took place between 1993 and 1994. Then toward the end of my time at the seminary I wrote that paper
on the integration of male and female aspects within men and women. That was, in a sense, articulating my journey within the
unconscious world which is the domain of the Divine Feminine or as Carl Jung calls it, The Anima. If you haven’t read
that research paper of mine I encourage you to take the time and have a look at it. It’s a very well thought out outline
of the mythos behind that journey that each of us must make eventually to discover who each of us really is and what spirituality
is really all about. Spirituality isn’t about going to church. Far from it.
Religions were established as an aid to human beings, a guide to help them along so that we can heal the separation between
ourselves and God. Your spirituality isn’t something determined by your parents, or your racial background or national
origin. Your spirituality is who you are, how God is expressing Himself through you and the thing that is so very special
about you. Everyone is different because everyone brings to the table different experiences throughout all of their lifetimes
that make them who they are right now. You need to take an honest look at yourself, your strengths and weaknesses and everything
that makes you You and then explore what is behind all that. How did you get to this point in time where you are the
way you are right now. There’s so much going on with you, with each of you and you need to take this wonderful journey
within yourself and look carefully into every part of you. Whether it’s good or bad, light or dark, whatever it is you
owe it to yourself to make this journey, a soul search to find out who you are.
One thing you don’t want to do, my friends, is to put this off or leave the spiritual stuff to the priest or pastor
in your church. Most of them are good people who have years of experience with leading a religious life but how are you really
going to get any kind of meaningful answer to the challenges you’re facing in life unless you ask the person who is
at the effect of all that, You? No matter who you are, you are very intelligent and you have the power do anything
you want.
Working on that research paper was the most worthwhile thing I did at the seminary. It provided me a template from which to
begin my spiritual journey. It allowed me to intellectualize just what I was about to go through. It provided me at least
a superficial Why, a justification for what I was about to do.
What I started to do next was to begin keeping a personal journal. One thing that I started doing a lot of beginning in 1995
was thinking. Not only thinking but letting my thoughts drift a little while I was thinking. I started asking myself questions
like, Who am I, what are my core beliefs and why am I here. One of the first beliefs I had was that each person’s belief
is sacred and it is beyond argument. You can’t argue a person’s belief. It’s a subjective experience and
therefore a person’s religious or spiritual beliefs should be honored as sacred.
But since this was the beginning of my own personal spiritual journey it was the end of my belief in Reverend Moon as the
messiah and my membership in the Unification Church. That was a challenge. I mean, consider this. For fifteen years I’ve
believed that he is the messiah. True Parents (What Reverend Moon and his wife represent) are my savior and it is through
them that I am a restored son of God. But now I’m leaving all of that behind. For me to walk the way of my own spiritual
path I must disconnect myself from that, deny all that. How do you do that? For fifteen years I’ve been convinced that
he is the Lord Of The Second Advent. The Divine Principle which is the church’s book of teachings proved to be very
profound for me to read. Personally hearing Reverend Moon speak so many times at the church’s Belvedere estate over
so many years was also always such a profound experience for me.
I don’t know if I would have ever been able to do what I did if it wasn’t for the fact that my wife at the time
was going through the same kind of changes that I was going through. A lot of times what may happen in the church with a married
couple is that either the husband or wife will begin changing their views about their beliefs way ahead of the other. Lucky
for me she was a little bit ahead of me.
Then there was this book called In
the Shadow Of The Moons by Nan Sook Hong in which she, the former wife of Reverend Moon’s eldest son, Hyo-Jin Moon,
wrote a first hand account of the kind of lifestyle lived by Reverend Moon’s family. In my opinion, Nan Sook is a hero
and a very brave woman. It was my reading of that book that helped me strip away the myth from the man who I believed to be
the messiah. Then it was my wife who was working in the admissions office at the seminary at that time who had applied for
the position of Financial Aid Counselor at a community college in southeastern Connecticut. So with Nan Sook’s book
I was able to temporarily justify my separation from the Unification Church with the minimum of withdrawal symptoms and make
a physical separation from the city of Kingston, New York where we had been living and the church members who we were in association
with there and at the seminary.
And so with our move to our home in Norwich we could finally settle down in an area where we could just be us, the Kovic Family.
And then we bought a house, a place that we could really sink our roots into and call home. That was probably one of the
most important things we did after all those years spent in the church always moving around living in this church center and
gallivanting around the country on an MFT team where you have this camaraderie with like minded people but very seldom a deep
rooted connection to the Earth. With that taken care of then we could begin living as a family, raising our children and then
tending to some very important matters.
Part 8 of "My Spiritual Path"
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