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March 10, 2006
Here’s a hopeful thought. Barring my book being totally ignored which will not happen, I predict that any negative publicity
about my book due to inaccuracies, misrepresenting Japanese culture or anything else that a stickler for details comes up
with as they critique my book (which is fiction, I might add) will generate possibly more book sales than the positive publicity
resulting from those people who were inspired by it.
I guess it was a way for me to head off the experience of feeling disappointed should, after it’s publication, my book
be harshly critiqued perhaps even in the wildest stretch of the imagination on a radio or television talk show. The thing
is no matter what happens, it’s free publicity and I should prepare myself accordingly for this glorious onslaught.
I mean, where could I go? I’m an unknown, a total unknown who writes a book that people start to respond to because
of some of the seemingly fantastic things my characters become involved in. A person with super powers becoming mortal again
with a Reiki healing, that same person being prompted by her emotional instability to journey back 500 years to relive her
previous lifetime in vivid color. Come on, this is the stuff of fantasy but there are real lessons these people are involved
in learning here. It’s fiction, it’s fiction, it’s fiction the spine of the book says but still there are
people who are reacting as if what I’m writing is true. It might be true to them because that’s the way I wrote
it. It was true to me when I was writing it. I experienced true deep emotions as I was writing it so why shouldn’t I
expect my readers to respond in kind. They will indeed. But no matter how they react, they will respond and they will begin
talking about what they feel from reading it. They may get frustrated and throw the book aside and say to their friend or
co-worker, “Man, what a stupid book that was.” “What do you mean, what book?” “That book over
there. Tamara’s Journey and whatever the subtitle was, I don’t remember. It’s a bunch of crap.”
“Really, tell me about it?”
The rest is history.
March 27, 2006
I’m trying to get myself back in tune with the spiritual again. I seem to go through these cycles of neglecting meditation
and the hara alignment that I’ve started doing. It is upon returning to that spiritual rhythm that I realize how much
it is that I have missed the peace and the sweetness of the quiet of my own mind. It is that connection that allows me to
understand the words of Jesus in The Course Of Miracles with a clarity that is not always available when I’m not. The
hara alignment is especially very powerful as it was this morning. For a while I’ve not been able to get my Tan Tien
very hot. Today I got it pretty warm. Doing the hara alignment is so very effective for allowing me to maintain my countenance.
But, even though I have achieved that still I neglect being present. Being present isn’t very easy. Even when I’m
doing it I’m not so sure that I’m totally there. I may think that I have my awareness on this moment but in fact
I still get spaced out. Getting spaced out must mean that I’m not being very present. Well, I still have to work at
it.
I’ve decided to take Tamara’s Journey Integration of Power (tjiop) to the part in the story in which John is exploring
is own identity as a man. If I can be successful with this part of the story it would mean breaking ground with an issue that
I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’ve flirted with the issue of masculinity for a while now, thinking that
there’s a possibility that I could see beyond it. But what I really desire deep within me is to be able to be free with
my emotions and feelings not only with women but with other men. Just across the board to be the loving, compassionate, gentle
and sensitive person that I really am. That’s who Nessyphia represents and is for me.
In the story, especially in the first book, I’ve been sort of playing with the idea that I’ve created the character,
John so that I could express things that are true about myself. But, I’ve done that with Michiko as well as Mitsui.
Spiritually, John is ahead of me. He’s made journey’s into the spiritual world, something I’ve only scratched
the surface doing. But it’s his emotions, feelings and especially his ego that I’ve left unexplored up until now.
When I think about putting my character into situations in which he is going to explore the full gamut of his personality
to take a long and hard look at his own masculinity, is one thing. When I actually go about doing it is clearly another. I
want to stay true to this and struggle with it and however many pages it takes to do this I want to get this done. I have
to just let go the idea of writing a book because if I’m in that mindset then I’ll judge what I’m writing
too much and I don’t want that. What I want is for this to be a tool for me to explore who I am. I’ve got to use
the medium of story telling, dialogue and narration so that it can come alive for me. Perhaps it will make for good reading
too but that’s secondary as far as I’m concerned. I guess writing this whole story, Tamara’s Journey, has
been about me. Well, it’s been about Tamara in the first book. Now, It’s going to be more about me. I want to
sink my teeth into allowing John to go through this. I don’t want to worry about whether I’m moving the story
along or not. If it goes continuously from minute to minute, hour to hour for three days then let it. I can always edit it
later, keep that part of the story in which he is exploring himself for my own purposes and shorten it up in the following
draft if I deem it necessary or keep it. Perhaps doing this exercise can contribute something to the story. Actually, I think
that it can. It will.
March 30, 2006
Last night was the final night in which The Center Of Light will be hosted at the college and what a splendid encore it was.
Kerry O’Connor did “Lightstream Live”. She is Claire everything. She sounded very much like an inspirational
speaker. She’s like one of those who talk a mile a minute but when I filtered everything out there’s some interesting
things that she did say. I guess when you are faced with having to give a presentation like the one that she gives in the
span of an hour and a half you have to hustle. One thing that I did get from her talk is an answer to a question about publishing
my book. I asked her if I would run into obstacles with the publishing of my book. She said that my father, in spirit world
now, has been working tirelessly (really) to line up a publisher for me and that he wants credit. (I felt very strongly that
this had to do with the fact that last fall I wrote up what I wanted to accomplish as far as publishing Tamara’s Journey.
I did it in explicit detail actually but what I didn’t do because I didn’t know about this was that if you want
to manifest something you have to create a grid first. Now, Kerry came to me again this morning and explained this to me:
“In order to hold energy you need to create an energy grid. In that way you can visualize what you want to create and
manifest it into physical reality. This is how we’ve always done it.”
I have somewhat of an idea about how to do this but I have to think about it again and perhaps get more information from her
with a visitation (simply a thought). But precisely because I didn’t utilize a grid to manifest what I wanted, namely
the publishing of my book in precisely the way that I wanted to is perhaps why my father (whoever he is as a soul, not sure
yet.) was running around (spiritual term) to get this done for me. No wonder why he worked so hard. Poor guy. Won’t
I ever learn.
Another point about getting published is that there’s a ball of tangled crap in my third chakra that needs work or I
have to get rid of it. So, that I need to do.
She also said that I’ve been thinking about the “how to” concerning the publishing of this book. I’ve
been making and manifesting the publishing of this book as being way too hard. I then told her that in the beginning, especially
when I was writing the book I thought it would be effortless. So, she said that I have to go back to plan A and see the publishing
as being totally effortless. I’m not so sure actually what that means but I’m going to be more trusting with it.
She said that I have to work with my heart chakra more. But she did say that I’m doing something that I truly love.
She also asked me if this was a “how to” book. At first I said no but then when I thought about it, that’s
what the book actually is. I’m teaching people through the medium of story telling so of course it’s a how to.
This lady was right on top of it all.
That was the meat that I got out of her talk. I’m going to type up the notes that I took. But she also spoke about the
fact that last night March 29 2006 was a new moon and that we could if we so desired imagine and bring into manifestation
“Our Wildest Dreams”. So I went ahead last night and in my notebook wrote down my wildest, I mean wildest dreams.
But I have to create this energy grid thing so that my wildest dreams, the energy of my wildest dreams, that is, has a place
to take hold. That I’m going to start working on.
March 31, 2006
I was writing down some notes for when I will continue writing Tamara’s Journey IOP. I’m writing about when John
begins helping the POL members and really starts to relate more intimately with them, so much so that his compassion especially
for the male members is mistaken by Michiko and Mitsui as being homosexual tendencies within John. I want to frame this part
of the story in this way because it seems to me that there is so much misunderstanding of how men should be today. As a society
we want men to be more sensitive but do we really? We want them to express their feelings more. Oh, do we really? It seems
to me that if two men sincerely are relating to each other compassionately and honestly and even sensually that these two
men will no doubt be labeled as homosexual and thus what could actually be two men wanting to be more than society’s
stereotypical expectations rule them to be, is plundered and destroyed, two sincere individual’s reputations ruined
and both of their hearts utterly crushed all because of how we expect them to behave. I want to have John’s character
push the envelop in this way and to have this part of the story framed in this way so that I can challenge the reader and
have the reader ask him or herself to think about what we expect of ourselves as human beings in the context of human relationships
when those interactions are possibly leading to the spiritual growth of those two individuals.
Facing the fact that I’m about to write this part of the story is very scary to me because I’m as much lacking
in emotional development as my character, John Kevlan is. But, I really believe in what I have to do. I’m no longer
writing to please my audience. At this point this is all for me. I have to go through this and I just don’t have a clue
about what will happen. I guess that has been how I have always written this story from the very beginning. I can’t
wait to get started.
I was reading ACIM today. I read a very powerful section entitled “The Laws Of Chaos”. There are five of them
and this pretty much defines why and how we view the world or perceive the world depending too much on the body. It is nothing
less than Jesus telling it exactly like it is. It’s the kind of thing that would raise the hairs on a Christian’s
neck and freak them out or put them to sleep depending on their particular willingness to hear the truth and realize the state
of the human condition in contradiction with our purpose as God’s sons and daughters. Up until now Jesus has always
been very gentle, truthful yet gentle. This is his righteous fury.
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