|
November 18, 2005
I’ve started to get lax about getting going with working on my issues. I had a feeling this would happen and that I
would fall back into my old defensive habits again and not go forward with the task I should be about doing in my life: working
on my issues. I took some time, about 20 minutes and meditated asking my spirit guides to help me keep myself on track with
this thing I need so importantly to do. You know, it makes me not want to get into or think so much about all of the other
spiritual “special effects” that you hear people talking about at the Center Of Light meetings. There is nothing
more urgent or present than sorting through the flaws in my character and letting those lead me back into my subconscious
where those paralleling issues are lurking oh so subtly. I’ve already made a list of physical ailments that I have and
of the things that I do due to my character flaws. I have the time with the fact that I’m presently not working right
now to work on this and at the same time get the preliminary editing done on Tamara’s Journey. Actually, there’s
a lot of fear of submitting my manuscript to a publisher. I’m thinking that oh, it’s not good enough or I can’t
submit it with all of these flaws in the manuscript; I need to work on it more. Yea, there’s that kind of stuff going
on in my head. Of course I realize that I do need to do a little more work on it. It’s mainly to do with going through
it once, at least once so that I can do a preliminary editing, resolve any problems with what I had written because when I
wrote this a lot of times I was intuiting it and not paying attention to grammar or run on sentences or spelling or any of
that stuff. But, I wanted to be free of thinking of that kind of stuff so that the story could flow unimpeded from my higher
self. That’s the beauty of the story. There might be a lot of inconsistencies in the story but there is this genuineness
and profoundness in which I allowed my spirit to flow out onto the page. There's just so many instances in the story where
it’s more than the story telling and the dialogue between Michiko, John, Mitsui and all of the other characters in the
story. There is this wisdom flowing out onto the page through the use of this story and the characters used as a tool to express
a lot of ideas that I’ve always had about my own spirituality. And then on another level there is the working through
of my issue with power along with Tamara that together we are struggling with and trying to bring to a conclusion to with
this story. I’m extremely proud of myself and of Tamara for what we’ve accomplished with the writing of this manuscript.
November 28, 2005
I’m now rethinking about what happened to me back in June of 1982 when I met Makiko Uto. Meeting her when we were matched
and blessed twenty three years ago and then when she went out of my life the next year is one of the most traumatic events
of my life. But, the reason that I met Makiko is because before we reincarnated into this life I told her that I would help
her with the issues that she needed to work through in her life. There’s been this history of us working together. I’ve
been helping her and she’s been helping me as well. But the main reason that I met her was not necessarily to get married.
Somehow I don’t think that was supposed to happen. But my meeting her was instrumental in allowing me to come into contact
with her and to experience the energy between us and know that feeling that the two of us are soul mates. She couldn’t
understand English and I couldn’t understand Japanese but that didn’t get in the way of the two of us feeling
something special about each other. Each of us knew on our own that this was true. Then when she left the church and me perhaps
that fulfilled some karmic debt in which I had left her, divorced her; I’m not sure. But, I have to be willing to have
an open mind and accept that that could be a possibility. But, also when she left me I was filled with sadness, a deep sadness.
But, outwardly what did I lose? Neither of us could understand each other. She spoke no English and I didn’t speak Japanese.
We had no sort of relationship which most married couples have in which they learn things about each other and discover what
binds them both together. We had none of this, yet when she left me I felt devastated as if I had lost something very dear
to me. But there was nothing between us. We spent no more than a week together and couldn’t speak each other’s
language. What did I have to lose?
It could only be that what we had was an internal bond as soul mates that we had developed for perhaps thousands of years
and many, many incarnations together. The plan was for us to meet and know that there was something very deep and special
between us but avoid marriage together so that later on I would fulfill an agreement which Hong-Yu and I made together so
that the two of us could work together. Even though we only knew each other for a few days still we knew who the other was.
That was enough so that when she left me I would feel a deep sense of hurt and sadness for many years into the future. That
would be necessary so that I would never forget Makiko Uto and the impact that she made on my life. That would be necessary
so that I would take those feelings that I had about her and be able to channel the story that she would tell me about herself
and the struggle she has gone through which is this book: “Tamara’s Journey”
That is the best attempt that I’ve made so far at understanding why that happened to me so many years ago. Without seeing
it from that perspective, that event that happened in my life so long ago is just some weird encounter with some Japanese
woman who came in and out of my life in the summer of 1982 like some unseasonably cold weather. But, it wasn’t weird
or strange. Those events that happened occurred for a reason. And now with the writing of this book I’m beginning to
finally understand why.
|
