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June 4, 2005
With all of the opportunities that have come available to me with meditation, my relationship with Lara, Leanna, Tamara and
this story about Sukahara, I am still failing to deal with the issues that I am hung up on. I can’t seem to go forward
in my life. I’m scared of moving forward. I hate this part of me and I feel trapped within me. I recently got back
the results of my application to the nursing program. I wasn’t accepted. For some reason I was glad I wasn’t accepted.
I don’t want it. But the thing is that, what is it that I want? I just don’t know. I’ve written over 700
pages of the Sukahara story but I doubt very seriously that it will be published. But, I know there’s an important reason
why I’m writing it. As I’ve been typing it up from the four notebooks and one large loose leaf notebook I’ve
written it in I keep coming to these intuited parts when Mitsui and Michiko or John and Michiko are relating to each other
via their higher selves. It’s so profound and I’m amazed that I was able to capture that sort of spiritual soulful
exchange between two people who are ever searching for deeper meaning, completion and a way to make sense out of the trickling
inspiration they feel every now and then.
At first when I started this it was a story about this timid Japanese woman on a fundraising team whose alter ego is a superhero.
But, now it’s not about a superhero anymore but rather it is but it is about her transformation back to a mortal human
being but with more. And that “more” is the whole driving theme behind this novel.
June 12, 2005
This story about Sukahara occupies my thoughts so much these days. I’m obsessed to write it or get typed the hundreds
of hand written pages I’ve written since January of this year. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed to do this.
I remember when, before my computer died, when Lara used to encourage me to continue writing it. I had started it back in
the fall when It was merely a fantasy about a seemingly timid Japanese Unification Church member who is in reality this super
girl. Then I began to intuit Tamara, Makiko Uto’s higher self. From then on it’s been such a deep and riveting
experience as I’ve explored this character and who she is. The story has evolved as I’ve written it. As the notes
I have included interspersed between the story show I have thought I would take the story in a certain direction but then
that changed. Tamara has worked with me all through this helping me, guiding me, loving me and patiently allowing this story
to take shape. She has given me clues about where writing this story will lead me to. Frankly, what she told me has always
been hard for me to swallow. But, I’m willing to neither deny it or let it influence me. I just want to write this
story and help her to grow and deal with her issues so that she can be free.
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